Friday, June 08, 2007

That time of the year...

Sooooo...birthday time again. I had made it a point to not to get into the stereotypical introspective mode in the days leading to my day. Consequently there would be no birthday post either. But I failed to maintain my resolve. So here it is yet another birthday blog - this time commemorating sort of a halfway mark in life. The magic number's 25.

The last year has proved me wrong about myself in so many ways. I was in a good place where I knew who I exactly was. But the happenings just altered a lot of my viewpoints. I believe I have matured beyond a certain level I had made for myself. And as is said there is no better teacher than life itself, life has taught me a lot. But the fact that I do see myself as a really small child, mannerisms, carelessness et. al, is a mask I dont intend to take off ever.

The last year took away a part of me. A person I held so very close to my heart and along with it took away an emotion that was entirely nurtured by that relationship. It reiterated the volatility of human emotions. However sure things may seem, the fact that the human heart and mind are operating behind it, make it very cumbersome. The relationship which was not supposed to deter, not meant to disintegrate had eventually become a nameplate. I had become a placeholder.

The last year also took away a magical part of my life. The dream that I had been living ended. The abruptness was anticipated but not accepted. Somehow I do also subscribe to the fact that the same intensity in our minds would not have carried forward for as long as we'd have wanted it to. But whatever said and done I'm missing those days of mindless fun and absolute faith in a few good men.

I have begun to feel that the last year only took things away from me. But the truth is that even though I have lost some very precious things, I have gained someone very very valuable to me. I would be lying if I say that her arrival into my life was an absolute surprise. To be absolutely honest I was waiting for her since a really long time and now that I have her I feel complete. I feel like a child again...and she takes care of me.

I also started thinking deeply about a lot of things, about space, time and everything in between. I wanted to know what my Karma really is. I needed to know if what I was doing was something I always wanted to do. I was asking myself if my way of thinking was flawed, if I needed optimisation, if I needed to be a better person, if salvation requires consensus from not just my conscience but from a lot of inter-dependent entities around me. Whether happiness is really a pursuit and not a feeling...whether companionship in the form of "FRIENDS" is an absolute necessity.

We humans are always moving along a thread called time all our lives. This is constant and arguably universal. What is not constant is the speed with which we are moving. For now I know we're all running. Sometimes running towards our desires, sometimes running away from our fears...but we are running. During this movement a lot of hurdles appear in our path. We may falter and fall, sometimes we may be tripped by someone else. But when we fall we need to realise that the onus is upon you as a person to get up and continue moving...and understand that this movement is towards that elusive emotion...the emotion we term HAPPINESS!