... kr!$hn@ $yndr0mE ...

The "fun guy"...

2009-06-09T03:40:00.000-07:00

Another year passes by...
Another lot of experiences...
Another book of learning...
Another clump of sorrows...
Another array of joys...

All of it amalgamates...into my pool of memories.

The past year introduced me to a new emotion. Apparently, a couple of my acquaintances reacting to my way of life, in no way austere, felt that I was aging. That I was making the shift to the middle ages. The intention here is not to critique the comment, of course everybody is entitled to an opinion. The highlight is my continuing reaction to this comment. Initially it was a mixed feeling of insult and helplessness to retort. This was followed by a general scorn and condescension towards the person who commented. But over time, I watched myself and actually started feeling sympathetic of my state. But most recently, after continuous refinement, I feel comfortable in this new garb. Relaxed that maybe this mold fits me the best. At ease because once I'm seen in this mold, the stereotype sets in and anything I do true to my nature is perceived as out-of-the-ordinary. Its easier to be the "fun guy" when I'm viewed so. I'm not succumbing to age, neither am I living a lie.

I have also realized that its really within me to survive by myself. I'm not a loner by fate, but by choice. I'm comfortable in this role as well. Its my favorite part to play. It actually accentuates and amplifies the little joys in life, because they come in so rarely and feebly...be it in the form of companionship or as happiness. Past experiences remain gray in my life. I'm unable to accept them as mistakes, neither am I able to come clean. It comes as an indispensable trait to a really strong conscience I suppose.

I continue to survive, to live...observing and being observed. The only one truth that stands, I love my life!

Happy Birthday to me!

Ranjhana...

2009-02-20T03:46:00.000-08:00

न रहा मेरा यार,
तूने संग, तूने अंग न लगाये,
बिरहा की अग्नि में चोखी जलाई,
हद्द से बे हद्द हद्द कर दी,
न चाली दिल की मर्ज़ी,
छलिया वे जा जा,
वाट देखि तेरी बरसों मैंने,
गाज तुने गिरदी दिल पे मोरे,
बेदर्दी समझा न तू मोरे सक को,
तुझ बिन दिन रात के साए,
तुझ बिन कुछ भाए न हाए...

--------------------------------

I waited, he never came...
My love, I know only his name,
Body and soul, I vouched,
He left them both, untouched.

I burn in the agony of deceit,
My hopes, they face defeat,
The betrayal, raw and brutal,
I fall, I lose it all...

The years, I waited for hope,
Ruth, this love was denied,
Night sets in, too dark to cope,
Too much, without you beside.

I waited, he never came...

Resolutions anyone?

2008-12-31T01:57:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...its resolution time! I've been trying to compile this list for quite sometime. Especially since I plan to abide by these in the year to come and the ones after that (under the blind optimism of being alive during this time period). It was a really difficult job narrowing down the list. I had to use degree-of-commitment, will power required, absence or at least a mask to overcome desire as some of the criteria. And finally a touch of realism (not really important!). So here goes...

1. Attempt at leading a "greener" life
Multitude of ways to implement this. Reduce and eventually nullify power and water wastage, take mass transport options wherever available, advocate this to the younger uns. I wish I could write advocate to all, but you're welcome to read between the lines.

2. Blog more often
Toughest of the lot...Requires motivation...Hard to find.

3. Pursue vegetarianism
The almost unachievable doctrine for me. Why even try one may ask. Well its again a personal choice and seems like a punishment the more I think about it. But its one of those things I've always wanted to do.

and lastly...

4. Take that trip to Leh
Hopefully tensions would've settled down by then. Hopefully paradise will be discovered in my little world.

Well these're the ones I have good hopes of implementing and maintaining. Its my TO-DO list for 2009. Of course my WISH-LIST reads something else. Can't blog it though you know...its bad luck!

Perceptions...

2008-07-20T08:54:00.001-07:00

The evening's here. Its not just another evening. Its a Saturday. Its going to be crowded today. I have to rush to keep my place. If I'm late I will not be able to get in there today. Meenu and Rekha will try to take my place. Let me look at what I can wear today. Hmmm...not too much to choose in there. I think I'll wear this new red skirt and the blue blouse with the shiny little mirrors on it. Whats this...Amma's old necklace? I never saw it in there before. Its so shiny and beautiful. She won't need it any longer. I should wear it. Maybe this will catch their attention today. Where is the charcoal pencil, Hassan chacha gave me? Ya Allah...No kajal for my eyes today? Ahhh there it is! I hope this looks good. Chakki just ran past.

I have to rush now...the traffic signal's getting crowded...

Some year huh...

2008-06-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dutifully the birthday blog is back. And boy was that an awesome 25th year or WHAT!

The year when GE got into my blood and I finally started working! The year I got an apartment to call my own. The year when love bloomed totally! The year when happy things were happening all around me. Incidentally it was also the year my brain was working overtime. I was making opinions and perceptions about a million things around me. My brain worked overtime...

One thing did not change however. My birthday is still more important to people around me than me myself. Likewise to me its more about celebrating all the special people who make my life exciting and interesting. Its about all the variables that add up to balance this equation of life. How I'm defined by my reactions to their actions. Its about conceding to the fact..."Clothes maketh a man". Its about them and not about me.

So here's to all of you...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

What writing means to me...

2008-05-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

The inspiration for this post? One question...
"Why don't you write more often these days?"

I had mentioned to one of my friends that our minds are like balloons. Our actions and reactions are like blowing air into this balloon. We keep blowing air in, without thinking too much about how much can be contained - masking reality has always been an amazing human trait. When the balloon reaches a limit, it will burst if the air is not let out. Actions and reactions are one-way activities, they cannot be rolled back, which means we cannot let the air out from the same vent where it came from. We all need a release, and to me this release is writing. Venting my frustrations, losing some weight...of thoughts, of responsibilities, of duties. Writing is like a patch of duct tape on my balloon and I simply poke a hole on it, so the release is gradual, subtle...so I don't burst. When I write I transport myself into a different world, were I'm at ease, where my emotions are in control, where I can be a lot of different people at the same time, where I justify myself to only one person...myself.

So the answer to the question is rather vague. It is within me but I will lead myself to abstractness trying to answer them. I've begun doing that a lot more often these days. Staring into thin air, trying to figure out NOTHING! Maybe I poked my balloon more than I should have...There are too many holes now and maybe the duct tape cannot contain them...

My yellow flowers...

2008-03-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

The tree...It looked as if the roots had been turned downside up. I'd never seen this tree so lifeless. So barren. Every morning on my way to work, I would see the bright yellow flowers. They smiled at me. I knew it and I smiled back. It was my tree, I owned it, only because no one else did. And I felt like I was losing my one true possession.

In the mornings the choking feeling was intense. The noose kept tightening and more harder these days. I would wake up more as a result of the imaginary asphyxiation I was suffering from. Stare at the deep red walls in my room. Wondering if color had anything to do with the amount of oxygen in the room. Stare at the fan, wondering if the rotating motion was actually gushing air into my face to choke me more. I get back to my senses and realise that I was the king of this world. My subjects surrounding me. I commanded respect here, and they obeyed...meekly. I read the news, just to feel connected. Connected to this world, which I had forsaken 7 months ago.

She was the most beautiful thing my eyes had ever set their gaze on. So pure...so perfect...so white...
She could not do anyone an wrong. She was incapable of it. Yet they accused her. Stoned her, bled her, raped her spirit. I could not be a spectator, not with her in the middle. I set her free. As painless as I could make it. Not a tear fell, not a brow flinched. I saw her fly...far away like a beautiful butterfly. Then I cried...

Now I try to stay, to punish myself. To rot in her memories, to live in the agony. Only to realise every passing day, how incapable I myself am. I burn inside, and don't let the tears soothe my pain. The fire within, it reminds of her warmth. I hear a loud cracking noise outside, like a twig breaking. We're falling down the cliff. I see everything, the wild flowers in the crevices, the small rocks falling with us, the bright yellow flame inviting me, my face...my face in the glass window, just before it cracks...I see...I'm crying...

I know where the flowers are now...I'm going to them...

To motivate to motivate...

2008-02-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what is it that motivates me to write, or demotivates me even. Mostly it is to vent out a lot of hidden emotions, to venture into the dark side even (ofcourse we all have one!!), to simply express. But these are wrappers to the real reason...not motivators in themselves. To be frank the motivator was the reader, to dish out something that would generate interest, curiosity even...And that is where the fundamental flaw lay. I used to post and come back over and over to the post, hoping there would be comment, a sign that someone is interested in me and my thoughts. My motivations had been mutated. I did not rely on public opinion, I never thought other people's viewpoint were fodder to my creative ego. So here I am, stark naked, correcting my intentions! No more comments...no more viewpoints on what you think of me...its just me and my thoughts...I write b'cuz I want to. To remember the turbulent mind that resides within me...To maybe be a guide to someone who would want to explore the persona...To release, to absorb...To parade the naked self...self-gratification if I may...finally I release the egotist...

NULL!

2008-01-29T02:05:00.000-08:00

A recent deep inspection into the self revealed some very interesting facets within me. I'm gonna share it with everyone but I really dont know if it would make sense.

A little backgrounding...I joined Facebook recently and I must say its pretty interesting. But one particular application called "Characterize" inttrigued me. Its where your friends can associate certain preset characteristics based upon their evaluation of the subject. Public opinion held only as much importance as a tabloid magazine in my life but what it did was, it prompted a characterize action from Krishnaraj CK to Krishnaraj CK. And the results were baffling and downright scary...

I could not characterize myself into any trait. I could not convince myself to fit into any mold. As I started delving deeper the realization that I really stood for nothing specific scared the hell out of me. All through this time I had kept associating some traits to my "self". Honestly I had felt a little proud about myself looking at all the traits I had accumulated. But upon deeper probing the question arose if I could identify myself with atleast a set of those traits. Surprisingly there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Incidentally I chanced upon this definition: An entity of no consequence, amounting to nothing but still ironically "something" - NULL.
That is my conclusion...this is what I am...NULL

I occupy space, as any entity does...But I fail to represent anything. I cannot be identified or characterized. As a reader if you feel, you've come across this predicament, do share your views. The enlightened ones who've actually alleviated themselves from this are even more welcome for a healthy debate maybe...

The letter

2007-08-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

So what did my idle brain dish out this time? Well here goes...Hopefully it makes sense to you, the reader...

-------------------------------------------------

My One and Only...
I wish to say my heart is heavy but it has never felt lighter...
I wish to say I'm sorry but it feels so right...
I wish to say I want to stay but I will not survive...
I wish to say goodbye but I know...I know I will see you soon...

I have reached the cusp...No return from here...No looking back...I have nothing left to give the world...Nothing left to prove...I have but no purpose left, no usefulness in me...I'm no coward for unlike the others I will conquer death...And let her conquer me...I have realized every happiness there is...Everything that my senses could perceive...I have felt the rain on my skin...I let the wind blow me away...I tasted the love of the woman...And you gave me the joy of pain...that which only an offspring brings...

You, my love, are the only regret I leave...For I know how cruel the world is...The world with men who know no kindness...The men who know only lust...The men who kill for reasons unknown...Wolves have more compassion than them...The selfish man within me said "Let her live, Let her survive"...For once I fumbled, for once I thought...I shall not take you with me my love...Your father sees you less blessed...I will wait for you praying...Praying that you and only you shall forgive me...Forgive thy sinner...

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

Amen

-------------------------------------------------

This is something i conceived. How a father bade farewell to his daughter...

That time of the year...

2007-06-08T04:07:00.000-07:00

Sooooo...birthday time again. I had made it a point to not to get into the stereotypical introspective mode in the days leading to my day. Consequently there would be no birthday post either. But I failed to maintain my resolve. So here it is yet another birthday blog - this time commemorating sort of a halfway mark in life. The magic number's 25.

The last year has proved me wrong about myself in so many ways. I was in a good place where I knew who I exactly was. But the happenings just altered a lot of my viewpoints. I believe I have matured beyond a certain level I had made for myself. And as is said there is no better teacher than life itself, life has taught me a lot. But the fact that I do see myself as a really small child, mannerisms, carelessness et. al, is a mask I dont intend to take off ever.

The last year took away a part of me. A person I held so very close to my heart and along with it took away an emotion that was entirely nurtured by that relationship. It reiterated the volatility of human emotions. However sure things may seem, the fact that the human heart and mind are operating behind it, make it very cumbersome. The relationship which was not supposed to deter, not meant to disintegrate had eventually become a nameplate. I had become a placeholder.

The last year also took away a magical part of my life. The dream that I had been living ended. The abruptness was anticipated but not accepted. Somehow I do also subscribe to the fact that the same intensity in our minds would not have carried forward for as long as we'd have wanted it to. But whatever said and done I'm missing those days of mindless fun and absolute faith in a few good men.

I have begun to feel that the last year only took things away from me. But the truth is that even though I have lost some very precious things, I have gained someone very very valuable to me. I would be lying if I say that her arrival into my life was an absolute surprise. To be absolutely honest I was waiting for her since a really long time and now that I have her I feel complete. I feel like a child again...and she takes care of me.

I also started thinking deeply about a lot of things, about space, time and everything in between. I wanted to know what my Karma really is. I needed to know if what I was doing was something I always wanted to do. I was asking myself if my way of thinking was flawed, if I needed optimisation, if I needed to be a better person, if salvation requires consensus from not just my conscience but from a lot of inter-dependent entities around me. Whether happiness is really a pursuit and not a feeling...whether companionship in the form of "FRIENDS" is an absolute necessity.

We humans are always moving along a thread called time all our lives. This is constant and arguably universal. What is not constant is the speed with which we are moving. For now I know we're all running. Sometimes running towards our desires, sometimes running away from our fears...but we are running. During this movement a lot of hurdles appear in our path. We may falter and fall, sometimes we may be tripped by someone else. But when we fall we need to realise that the onus is upon you as a person to get up and continue moving...and understand that this movement is towards that elusive emotion...the emotion we term HAPPINESS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :-)

Friendship...

2007-05-04T03:43:00.000-07:00

PRAY! Define this concept for me! Save me from the depths! When does someone not warrant to be called a friend? How different is life going to be? Do we rise to be let down? Pray tell me what is a "FRIEND"?

Definition 1 by my friend "BAKRI"
---------------------------------
"FRIEND!! A friend is someone u wudn't think twice to introduce as family...That's my definition of a friend!"

Definition 2 by my friend Craig
-------------------------------
"A person other than a family member whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection."

Definition 3 by my friend Bhupendra
-----------------------------------
"A FRIEND IS YOUR SHADOW,HE'LL BE WITH YOU ALWAYZ,NO MATTER WHAT!!!"

The virtue of selfishness?

2007-03-05T03:11:00.000-08:00

Finally I get some time to actually sit down and do what I like the most. Converse with the one inside - my self.

This time though is probably the best time I could pick to open up. The best because of the intense mental turmoil I have brought upon myself. No one is to blame and like always no one is to gain. It happens once in a while when something happens in your life that alters a critical entity in you viz. your thought process.

To me this has come in many forms and this time it is in the form of one amazingly original, simple, charismatic philosophy calling itself objectivism. It stems from this work of fiction that I read by Ayn Rand. Apart from the splendid literary aspects, this book throws so many questions;so many that you have to answer till you can feel at peace again. And one of the fundamental ideas proposed is summed in this phrase "THE VIRTUE OF SELFISHNESS". Offending at first glance but once you understand the fine print you realise how the social fabric has managed to glorify selflessness and abhor selfishness. How every human being is evolving with these instilled in him...

So why am I in turmoil? Very simply because I have already made several of the "mistakes" underscored in this work. I have already let go off a huge part of my ego. I have also followed the flock; the flock lead by whom??! It was only mere coincidence that I had to stumble upon the movie "The pursuit of happiness" at the same time. And my already dizzy head went on a complete spin.

The bare fact is that so many of us have compromised on our dreams. So many of us wanted to be painters, artists, architects...A lot of things EXCEPT for what we are doing right now. We are living a life with the constant fear of public opinion. Public opinion is a fuel to some of us. But what we have ended in degrading is the SELF. What about your own happiness? The real happiness with its roots in your ego-satisfaction. It has been berated and forced to oblivion in the pretext of selflessness as a virtue and a third person's acceptance as your sole recognition of achievement. Why should not "I" be selfish? Answer this and answer it convincingly...your pursuit to happiness will find a definite path...

Continuum...

2006-12-28T07:38:00.001-08:00

Wondering what I should be writing about this time...About how so many things in my life are coming to a standstill? All the days of mindless fun...All the carefree careless times when "NOTHING ELSE MATTERED"!...Life with my brothers in arms who showed me a zillion different colors and shades to life...The place I called home for the past 18 months "Flat No. A-107"...

Or should I write about this new life I have discovered...A new lease to my love life...Another shot at professionalism...Another "new beginning"...

Its all part of the circle of life. One role ends where the other begins. Looking back in retrospection I see a lot of people who came into my life and bloated my canvas with their distinctive colors...a few dark shades even. The most intriguing are the colors which seem to lie in the horizon or the tip of the rainbow. The colors with no names. The people who managed to leave a mark but how or why I'll never know!

But distinct and indelible are the ones created by the one I have given my heart. She gave life to an emotion which I felt was no longer in me. She has painted a beautiful picture of a faint smile which promulgates all the happiness in my life...The only reason to live.

Well this post is no way to thank her for what she has given me nor is it to undermine the invaluable presence of my other friends in my life. This is just to measure the frailty of the human mind to fathom the emotion of love...How we take a million things for granted...How we believe the world revolves around us...How we are forced to accept life as a continuum...

The second side to the coin...

2006-11-10T00:51:00.000-08:00

Many times in our lives, we face situations that require dissection, some sort of reaction from our side. And a majority of times it may not be involving you yourself to any extent. We may be reacting to situations or incidents happening around us;things that may be affecting people we hold close to our heart. Some of us term it as "poking your nose" and some call it a "caring response" depending on how we react to these judgements.

But one major folly with this scheme of dealing with things in this manner is, not seeing the second side of the coin. It seems very human to ponder over an issue and pass a judgement on it in one go. How many times have we forgotten to give a lookback on the issue after passing our valuable comments? How many times have we missed out on seeing the second side?

I will not lie and I will agree to the fact that this post is in reaction to things happening around me. I am seeing people reacting to a particular event and satiating themselves with just one side of the story. They're entirely neglecting the very existence of a second point of view, a second frame of reference. I could associate this with the seeming imbalance among the personalities but lack of maturity is the only thing I have managed to conclude about the "PEOPLE" around, based on the way these very "PEOPLE" have reacted. Some day society will definitely grow up to that level wherein both sides of the coin are taken into account or maybe a day when people have matured enough so as not to pass a judgement at all, disregarding both the sides of the coin in a way. Some day....

"Location Crisis"

2006-10-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

Strange are the ways in which the human mind reacts to its environment. Stranger are the reactions...

After what seemed like a really long time, I got a chance to go back to my "swades", Kerala, last month. From the outset it felt different. For starters, it felt as though I was goin after a whole year, when in reality it had only been 3 months. When I landed at the airport, I smelt the air, standing on the tarmac. I had never ever done that! My own place, Cochin, started feeling foreign to me from then. I started viewing everything around me as a third person!

Its kinda weird cuz this was a place I'd spent 23 long years at. How could this feeling even occur into me?! So I tried reasoning out and asked myself, if not Cochin, then which place gives me the sense of belonging? NOT Pune where I'm staying right now. I bever got that homely feeling here. Maybe Bangalore where I will be moving to in some time. But that was really illogical and not making any sense.

Then it dawned on me...*LOCATION CRISIS*...

An appendix to the QUARTER LIFE CRISIS (erf.John Mayer). A sense of not belonging to any place. But I have been anything but nomadic so why ME? Maybe all the psycho-social factors around me have affected me...in ways best known to Mr.Sigmund Freud. But again the human mind works in ways best known to itself...we're but mortals...

The one...

2006-08-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

One to one mapping is of the highest order attributed to the high cohesion and extrememly high coupling. This is a general theory in Mathematics and I guess the same holds for humans too. We need to identify ourselves with atleast one such individual. If this mapping is not present, we do realise that something is amiss. So do we go to any extremes trying to attain this?

This is what must lead to what I term a "Subliminal level of existence" where only blood relations hold ground. It sounds like a paranoid's way out from commitments but if the gist is properly understood we can identify the value and importance of something like this holds in daily survival.

One mode of implementing this is by relinquishing the basic human tendency of expecting a caring and emotional response from people around you. The more we expect the more is the risk of ending up dissappointed. Like they say "the higher they go the harder they fall". So once you stop expecting people to behave in a certain manner, you end being contend with even the small joys that come your way.

And this ends up in you being an atomic entity. Unperturbed, undisturbed and unaffected by what is happening around you. You are above all. The sublime way of surviving...

The day...

2006-06-16T22:25:00.000-07:00

Shortest way to describe my 24th birthday...KICK-ASS(literally!!)...

Started off with the customary way of starting out the new year with a clean slate. My friends get to clear out any grudges they have against me by kicking the life out of me. But hey I get to do it back to them too (muhaaahaaaha...I've mentally jotted down each kick, its intensity and the placement...so no one think you're safe!). Anyways these were the weapons of mass destruction(of my butt that is)....

And thats me after the kicking extravaganza...I wuz happy dude! That Signature Rare Scotch Whisky...My first burday gift. And yeah thats haldi on my face which is also applied as part of the customary ritual...

The moment I'd been waiting for since time immemorial...My magnum opus...My own burday cake!!!

Ow and I thot it wuz all over...but nooooo I wuz so wrong. I wuz blindfolded and taken to this secluded place(our toilet) where a weird, smelly concoction which I distictly remember smelt of rotten animal flesh wuz poured on me. I wuz later informed that it consisted of curd, butter, rice, rotting vegetables, previous day's dal and some weird magic potion which would help my hair grow!

But after all this drama it hurt me only at one place :(

The day went on quite normally...Except for the fact that I wuz actually happy throughtout the day and the greeting "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" actually started making sense. My friends came over for dinner that night and we had some solid fun. It wuz real...and ofcourse whats a burday without alcohol duuuuude??!!!

Owww...and thats me wearing my burday gift...

All in all it wuz a surreal experience and all my excitement did not go in vain. It feels good when you have ppl you like around you on such days....and they make you feel that...yeah! its ur day buddy!...thats what made it so different...thats what made it so special...I'm still stoic when it comes to celebrating birthdays but with amazing ppl like them around its tough to be myself. A big big THANK YOU to you all for making the day extra-ordinary...

You....complete me...

2006-05-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is my way of thanking you guys for showing so much heart to a stranger(ME!)...and please do forgive me for the photographs...I had to make do with whatever I had...But anyways its the sentiment that matters oy?...

*THE DIRTY DOZEN*

My first "gang"...12 of us were the most disjoint and emotionally disparate set of individuals, which, ofcourse we realised a long time later. We did have some amazing moments and were the "cool"est set of kids out there. Aby, my dearest friend and someone I'll carry with me till the end (whether he likes it or not!), Bala, my best buddy whom I lost somewhere down the road, Nimish, someone I still look upto, Sandeep, one of the easiest persons I can talk to and relate with even now, and the girls, Supriya, Mary, Vaidehi, Lakshmi, Naitra, Dhanusha and Parvati. Miss ya'll...

*ANURITA*

My first experience of being a RAKHI brother was courtesy of this beautiful woman. She was at one point of time my sole source of comfort and a shoulder I could lean on 24/7(literally!). She also holds the record for misunderstanding me the most and also one for forgiving me the most(sometimes for really silly things I did...only she cud make them bygones). Everytime we reminisce she always reminds me of our walks back home from school. Very true...those walks will be missed and forever cherished sis. But hope you do realise that you truly are someone I have tremendous respect for and I'll standy by you till the end. Stay beautiful...

*SREISHA*

She was different. She was special. She was a dream. One of THE most adorable women I have ever come across till date. I've always cared for her even during that prolonged hiatus during college days. She is someone who has helped me be a much better individual in her own inimicable manner. She made me realise a lot of new things. Life may not have been too good to her always, but she'd always be wearing that gazillion dollar smile on her face. I have a tremendous amount of respect for what she's been to me and she is one person I vow to stand by till the very end. Every day I spent with her is still fresh in my mind and maybe that indicates how much I treasure her presence and value this relationship in my life. Be there for me Sreish...

*SUPRIYA*

Hmmm...I guess she's had enough of me singing praises of her. But you really need to be me to understand how much this woman means to me. The comfort factor is at its max and incomparable when it comes to her. Even if we do not speak for 6-7 months straight we'd still never sound out of touch. Like she once said, its always a feeling of coming back home when its with this woman. We'd been in school together for 12 long years and even after that we still are together and there's nothing to complain bout this relationship. When it comes to opening up and saying whats on my mind she's the automatic choice. My Godmother at times, although I guess I forced her to that position, she's got answers to all my problems. She's super cool and I can never think of being the complete me had it not been for her presence in my life. Thanks for being there sweetheart!

*THE ELEMENTZ*

The "gang" at UG college...The only sign of coolness in that GODFORSAKEN place. The rebels. The only good memory I'd like to carry from my UG college days. The group that perished soon after. Thank you so much for making it easy to breathe during those tuf days...

*JENI*

A dear friend...and someone I thought was much more. Have only good things to say about this woman. She helped me learn some of the toughest and most important lessons in life directly or indirectly. One of the most beautiful women I've ever come across. A friendship I held close to my heart.But........

*PENTAMONIUM*

My band of brothers at UG college. The set of 5 exemplary individuals amongst whom I identified myself. Nikhil, the sweetest kid and talent on 2 legs...we have excellent fun esp discussing matters of the heart...Guks, my brother with the largest heart...trust me Guks, I still haven't come across even 1 person who can go out of his way to help friends as you do...Ashu, smartness personified and sensitivity nullified(lol)...most fun to be with and a true friend...Viks, my brother with whom I have shared everything...the closest and darkest secrets, a real support when I needed it and above all unconditional love which only he can offer.

*CULT 107*

My roomies and the proxies, CT, UV and Craig...These guys are the best things to happen to me in Pune. Connection transcends mental, emotional and intellectual bonding. From common interests (rock and metal) to amazing/weird pass times (throw ball and mocking anyone and everyone) we've done it all. I really have no idea how I could've survived in this place had it not been for these dudes. V-shay, the fun element, always on the move and waiting for the next opportunity to have solid fun. Laziness personified except when there's an RTOS lecture. Wadu, the dude with the big heart and crazy tastes and mood swings. He'd be peacefully sitting in his room watching Simpsons and the next thing you know he'd be rushing out with his backpack to Goa to get a tatoo(no kidding, he's already done it). Srivastav, Mr.Ritchie incarnate...one humongously smart dude who intimidates me with his knowledge but is always on the lookout for that night bike ride and that amazing trek during the monsoons. He is in all likelihood gonna be a globe trotter. Pandey, my dearest friend, he's one guy with all the right intentions and a magical hand when it comes to making tea. He'd do it for you any time(as long as he's in the mood). Claims to be beyond human emotions but when it comes to us he's a mixed bag of emotions. Ungle, my all time hugging partner. Someone I'd wish would've had a lot more happier things happening in his life. He shifted for reasons known to him but left a void so big, it'd take some time to fill. But someone I can never avoid or have a grudge against for too long. CT, the dude with no attitude, he's my brother. Someone I badly misunderstood in the beginning but turned out to be a lot different from my what I percieved. He's a joy to know and be with and is ultimate entertainment when he's drunk. Yuvi, the youngest amongst all of us, literally! He's a kid at heart but can surprise you with things he'd do for you. He describes the word "friendly" and has remained so since the time I met him. Craig's the boy-next-door, refreshingly original with the way he presents himself, amazing guitarist and has the most enviable music collection. Maximum respect dude!

Together we're CULT 107 (cuz our room no.'s 107) and we be the real deal....

*MANU*

Molu...my baby...she's been my most prized possession here in Pune. She's made me realise a lot of things I thought I was not. She's brought out so many shades in me which I did not know existed. She made me realise a whole new side to me. She keeps thanking me for what I may have been to her. But fact is she's done a lot to me as well. Unconditional love is what she has to offer and I treasure that so much. She lets me take control over her life but one day I hope she'd realise that all I do for her is so that she can make decisions for herself. So she can be the strong person that she actually is. I can never stop liking her and can never stop caring for her. She's a part of me. She's my baby...and I'm her bhaiya...

*SHAMAILA*

Hmmm...GENUINENESS THY NAME IS SHAMAILA...She means a lot to me than she may actually realise herself. In a world where its really difficult to identify the true colors of a person, she surprised me by being candid and transparent. We had some amazing times between us and those can never be forgotten easily. She is a bundle of creativity, and exudes charm with her smile. She does not pretend and she doesn't need to. The presence I sorely miss...but I guess thats what defines this relationship. God bless you girl...

*NAMU*

Owe a whole lot to this woman for making me realise that a certain part of me is not completely dead. Adorable to the limits and a real good friend. We have had some real amazing conversations which I guess she herself would not have realised. Probably one of those very few people in Pune I find it easy to identify with....which makes it real easy to talk to her. She means a real whole lot to me and some day she would actually realise this. One of the biggest regrets I still have is how less time we spend with each other. Guess things could've been much different had it not been for C and C++, eh Namu?? (lol)

*AMAN,ROHAN,SHWETA,TT*

Amazing people...Aman for tolerating me and being there for me all the time. I may not say it or express it in any visible manner but I hope you do understand what a big strength your friendship is for me. I have sworn to be by you till the end and you know I will. Rohan, my lil bro...endearing and sweet to the extents. I guess the testimonial I'd written for him still carries its after effects so am kinda finding it tough to say more. But you do know that you're someone who made adapting to this new place, Pune, a lot more easier than it would have. Shweta...someone I have tremendous amount of respect for...She's special in her own sweet way and can crack me up with her witty little comments. If only she'd let me sing my Hindi songs in peace. And ofcourse TTeeeeeeeee...gem of a person. What would we do without his camera...errrr i mean what would we do without him? An awesome person to be around with, no hassles whatsoever and coolness personified.

*PHALANX*

My dearest batchmates. I could not have asked for a more comfy and smart crowd around me than my batch at PG college. These guys are intelligent and amiable to the extent and the ease with which I can interact with any of them is simply amazing. I still cannot thank you guys enough for what you did for me through the election. I was actually a lot low on confidence and that exercise boosted my spirits. God bless us PHALANX...

It means the world to me that you guys have given me a place in your lifes. I'm not an easy person to be around with but you all make sure that I never feel that way, directly or indirectly. Well, I don't know how many of you will be carrying me through till the end and how many are gonna drop this baggage half way through. But it sure has been one helluva ride. THANK YOU all for that! Cheers and rock on!

"CLOSE" friends...

2006-05-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a chat with one of my associates. To my nagging remarks regarding a female counterpart, he said "WE'RE JUS REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS, THATS IT..."

It made me ponder on the skewed concept of friendship. Who is a friend? When do we endow a person with this title? Isn't he/she just another person on the road, only difference being the number of words you bestow on this person. Why is this person so special? Would he do all the things your own blood would do? An immature example which always rushes to my head is: In a hypothetical situation wherein your friend is pitted against your blood...They have to make a choice between your life and theirs...Would a friend give up his/her own life for you? Don't think so! Ultimately we all love ourselves the most. But we cannot say something conclusive like this about our own blood.

So if the concept of friendship itself is skewed what is this breed called "REALLY CLOSE" friends. A set of words put together for convincing your own self is it? Suppose you are one of the lucky few who do understand the concept of friendship, where do we demarcate between friends, "really close" friends and people you know but don't talk.

To me the equation boils down to 2 variables...TRUST and COMFORT...The levels of these 2 emotions is what may distinguish and demarcate. But after all this rambling...

WHAT ARE "REALLY CLOSE" FRIENDS?

Happiness...

2006-04-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

The scene...
------------
A gang of 12 friends trekking deep in the jungle...They're on their way back from a gratifying swim in a serene lake...all of a sudden it rains!...heavily!...a down pour!...no where to run...no shelter in sight...what do the guys do???...the leader of the pack puts down his ruck sack and....lies flat on the ground...all of them follow suit...

I was one of them....As I lay on the ground with the rain hittin on my face...with the mesmerising smell of wet earth engulfing me...the silent message that my friend passed was heard loud and clear by each of us..."ENJOY THIS MOMENT!"...The rain fell harder now and I could feel my heart sing with the rain...

The scene...
------------
8 biker dudes flying down a free highway...Straight road with meagre traffic...The night is chilly...

I was one of them...Sitting behind my friend I looked up at the sky...The wind blowing on my face I saw one of the most enigmatic and beautiful sights...A clear sky full of stars...The moon was also there but was dwarfed by the mystery of the night sky...I kept staring with an unknowing smile on my face...Slowly I felt my heart sinking...I was at the heights of ecstacy...Two tears rolled down...

What all does a person need to be happy? All the money in the world? All the power in the world? I for one am happy to be dwarfed by this beauty...Pure, intense, massive...

Random musings....

2006-04-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts that engulf me...
Only way out is jot down and create a vent to my emotions...
These are the products of these random conversations with my soul...

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Clouds gather inside my mind,
Every breathe, strains my soul,
Wishing just, that it would pour,
All I want is some one to hold...

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Life is a journey is what they say,
Journey to where is all I ask,
To happiness, to glory, to freedom they say,
I prefer the pain, I shall stay...

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So pure, so clear, it falls from above,
Sign of emotion, joy, sorrow or fear,
Vent to agony or remanants of ecstacy,
Boon or curse...it is a tear...

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Sitting lone in the little dark room,
Weaving dreams that would never come true,
Wishing death would relieve me soon,
Take me away from this pall of gloom...

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The fog settles down, I search for myself,
Cold is my mind, drenched my soul,
Killed several times, but died only once,
No remorse no regrets, Love's still a far cry...

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Why you should make noise!

2005-12-10T03:16:00.000-08:00

"EMPTY VESSELS MAKE MORE NOISE"

This is a wise saying...but perennial?...
I beg to differ. I was born and I wuz told that I used to cry real loud. I always cried...right uptil my teens. I lead a king's life till then. And then I grew up. Reason set in and along with that a lot of reforms which necessitated a lowering of decibels. Did I find any connection between my constant attention grabbing demeanour with the way I got to have all I wanted.

Now I do. When reason set in I started taking things in a more mature manner. A lot of opportunitis were ripped of me to gift other "deserving" individuals. Did I grab atttention? Nope I reasoned.

Now doin my post-grads I think of what I lost out. Do I want to learn from my mistakes. Sure as hell brothers! But reason has set in deep. I do not see myself as a worthy individual any more. So what do I do?

I cry........

thE kr!$hn@ syndrOmE

2005-06-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Krishna! I know not who I am
Krishna! I know not who I am

Nor am I the believer in mosque
Nor am I in idol worship
Nor am I in the pure or the impure
Nor am I in the Vedas
Nor am I in the intoxicants
Nor am I in the carefree deviant
Nor am I union nor grief
Nor am I in the pure/impure
Nor am I of the water nor the land
Nor am I fire nor air
Bull! I know not what I am
Nor am I Arabic nor from Lahore
Nor am I the Indian city of Nagaur
Nor a Hindu or a Peshawari Turk
Nor did I create the difference of faith
Nor did I create Adam-Eve
Nor did I name myself
Beginning or end I know just the self
Do not recognize 'the other one'
There's none wiser than I
Who is this Krishna
Krishna! I know not who I am
I am neither Moses nor a Pharoah
I am not awake nor in sleep
I am neither fire nor wind
I do not stay in Nadaun
Neither am I sitting idle nor in a storm
Who is this Krishna

Mortals!
I'm Krishna!
Omnipotent and Omnipresent...
I have no affiliations!
I have no associations!
I do not fuse...I do not confuse!
I belong to the One...
The One is within Me!

I am Krishna